Baybeats 05 <3
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HELLO, I WILL POST PICTURES UP OF BAYBEATS SOON BUT BLOGGER'S BEING A BITCH, DELETING ALL MY PHOTOS AFTER MY TIRELESS INNUMERABLE EFFORTS TO UPLOAD THEM AND IT'S GETTING FRUSTRATING. AND STAY TUNED CUZ I JUST MAY SWITCH TO XANGA. GOODBYE BLOGGER YOU'VE BEEN NOTHING BUT A PAIN IN MY PANTAT SINCE THE DAY I LOGGED IN. ESPECIALLY YOUR SKINS. BUT I WILL KEEP THE MEMORIES FOR YOUR VIEWING PLEASURE BECAUSE I WOULDNT WANT TO LOSE THEM EITHER.
GOODBYE.
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And they'll say i'm the emerald missing from your crown
And i'll say i'm the fabled one that let you down
school was good. my potato salad tasted left an ikan bilis after taste in my mouth. but none of that mattered once the pain started. The pain overwhelmed my thoughts. What i wouldnt do for a panadol menstrual pill, then. i didnt mean to sound all tensed up. I dont believe in making periods your excuse for bad attitude and the exploitation of others.
I will meet you one day. and i'll be dressed to kill from head to toe. And i'll remind you of the mistakes you've made and the opportunities you let slip through your slender fingers. i'm as good as something in your room that you've never noticed. but it's still you i take, because you were the blessing in disguise, the truth- not i. I still feel the same way i did the day things took a turn for the better.
i stumbled upon something interesting today. Saturday flashed through my mind. And i thought about our bodies being pressed up against one another. And i thought about how embarrassed i felt after the whole thing. I shouldve cared about how i was acting that day. And then i remembered Brandtson, and now much i enjoyed Escapist. And i then i remembered about the hair. And then i thought, about how that had left me feeling the whole night.
Im so screwed. i need to be at peace with myself. Ive thought of joining Yoga and finding my inner peace. But yoga just puts me to sleep, and i could never imagine myself sitting on the rocks with the wind blowing against me. I cant imagine things other than the things i wish to.. imagine. uh.. right.
i want to get those kukui beads because i've been searching for them for so long.
I'll make it such that he'll single me out from all the other girls he sees and he'll walk towards me with that look of intensity, of hesitation in his eyes. But that only happens in movies. Cuz its cliched. And its highly unlikely. I just cant think of him without having that sick feeling in my gut.
i think im making more effort to motivate myself to study. It's not that i dont study on a daily basis, its just that, im just so tired by the time i reach home and all i wish to do is plonk myself onto my bed and sleep the rest of the week away. All i need is one day, to rejuvenate myself. im physically and mentally exhausted. And i cant understand why. Ive had 3 hours of nap-sleep just now and im still groggy nonetheless. I feel as though im having a hangover. I'll bring tehsusu to school tomorrow. Because i need excess of it.
jeo-free time. night
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yesterday night was the most fun ive had since.. God knows when. BAYBEATS WAS SO MUCH BETTER THIS YEAR. GOOD COMPANY. FKIN GOOD ORGASMIC MUSIC. FAMILIAR FACES. AGGRESSIVE SHOVING/MOSHING. ok and i never thought i could have that much fun. Love Me Butch was good, real good. And so were brandtson. And Brand New Sunset. AND I WISH I COULDVE GONE TODAY TO CATCH COPELAND. maybe next year. there will definitely be a next time. Definitely.
Saw a few familiar faces. didnt say hi. Peters looked good up close. Took pictures of people i barely knew. I was a trigger happy child, like some japanese tourist. I rested my elbows on the backs of guys i didnt even know, and didnt even realise it. And i didnt really care. I rubbed shoulders with bassists *ahem and got pulled into the moshpit a few times. It was pure madness. And the feeling of having your voice drowned out by the loud music was/is, hard to explain. But i just enjoyed not being able to hear myself. Saw everyone dancing along to Brandtson and i just moved along with the crowd. Everything seems pretty vague now. All i remember was trying to keep myself from falling and trying to listen to the band at the same time. And of course, the guy with the rebonding-gone-wrong hair. It was weird, having him shove his shoulder into my chest while i tried to wipe his hair off my face. Nobody felt like a stranger in that crowd.
and now im sitting in front of the computer, wishing i could relive yesterday night all over again. Reality does have a way with catching up with you. And i couldnt help but look out for a few people. Hoping to be surprised. None of them replied. Except one. But that didnt make a difference. I cant believe its over.
goodnight.
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i feel as though i've worn out everything that i have to say or feel. So today, was well, tiring. And i just feel so bummed out. My mom's insisting i lend my dad my digicam for his trip to taiwan in the morning, tomorrow. And i was thinking of bringing it to Baybeats so i could take some decent shots, for memories-sake. And he wants to take pictures of taiwan. Of fkin roadsides and chicken stalls. And of his colleagues who seem to, still, have the mentality of a 14 year old teeny booper. The kind that would steal Hello Kitty stickers off lamps. Hello, what are you? 10? Hello kitty is just a cat which apparently has sticky/magnetic hands that could pick things up without the help of fingers. ITS SO DISGUSTING.
and then there's this baybeats issue. It would be so much easier if she just didnt assume things. Im appalled by her constant need to be 'involved' with the local music scene. One she's not familiar with. And when i really dont want to do something, i wont. And then there's the issue of the video i was supposed to edit months back but never got round to doing so because i made myself believe i had no time to send it to that dumb shop.
and then there's the clothes. oh god, the clothes. I'd probably head down to TM tomorrow. You know, its times like these i wished i'd gone shopping more frequently.
so, as you can see. im really not in the mood to talk. And i probably wont be tomorrow, still. And whats more Copeland's performing on Sunday. And i dont think id be able to make it. I could try, but it would suicide. And buddhistson isnt performing. WHENCEHECAME ISNT COMING.
and i dont have a handbag to go along with whatever it is that im wearing that day. OH. no..
and just a few days back..
don: eh i cannot go for baybeats this year ah. my dad's taking us to jakarta to visit my grandmother, apparently.. she's really ill.
me: shit. thats so sad. And i just saw her a few months ago.
don: i know man. but she's recovering. but.. sorry k. i cant make it.
me: its ok. i was kind of expecting something like this to happen. i mentally listed out the worst case scenarious
don: my gosh. so pessimistic. like the top ten things you'd expect when you turn into a corner.
me: what?
don: my book. Goodnight.
goodbye bitchezzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
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To the two people who've made my day (:
thanksss you to erica, for being such a good listener. And of course a good friend, to everyone you've crossed paths with. It really meant a lot.
and to tasha, thank you for being so understanding. I really appreciate it (: We need to update each other more often, you know.
and to random pockets of people i cant really group right now but still want to thank anyway.. because i love them so, for having made my day also, one way or another.
to daniel, the epitome of hilarity. Only you could crack me up the way you do. You've moved mountains with your kind words and you've sucked village huts with your nostrils. But no one can ever replace you as Nicholas' darling. You're so funny, you take me to a new high. Now you must call me your highness. and you still owe me money bitch. O$P$ lorz.
to vanessa, for telling me to look at daniel. and being so easy to talk to about anything and everything random [and some not so random] from the circumcision of male genitals to the outfits we'd be wearing out to baybeats. Despite our differences, [or my more than often mood swings] i should be more understanding and less judgemental. I still like sitting beside you. and im sorry you had to come to know about this through blogger. you wait, you wait..
to nicholas
to iskandar, the one i turn around to look at only when you start singing or when i need to ask you questions. Or discuss certain things about. i know he might seem like an odd addition to this list, but, im glad to know that there's someone to talk to behind me.
to mrs cheong, even though i know there will never come a time when you'll stumble upon this. But thank you for wearing that skirt today. It made me think of india, and the Taj Mahal, and how i want to have hips as small as yours (: MY MOTIVATION TO GAIN A BETTER FIGURE OK.
ok i could go on. Because, today. Was a good day. goodbye.
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i spent so much today. im hoping the others will be willing to share the amount. i need to find something that'll fill my time. I'll start making earrings more often, and maybe sell them. Meanwhile, im still contemplating on the outfit i'll be wearing to this saturday. It's ridiculous i swear. And i personally cant watch LMB perform :DDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD and sway to the sounds of buddhistson. AND OF COURSE COPELAND, OF COURSE OF COURSE OF COURSE OF COURSE OF COURSE OF COURSE OF COURSE OF COURSE! there's not a person i know that isnt excited. Except for the people who dont know. Or, maybe. BUT. ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo (:
i will drink lemonade that day. I will bring along a bottle of minute maid. I dont know why, dont ask me why. Im just bringing ice cold lemonade. not for sale, sorry.
AND THE HANDBAGS DOWNSTAIRS ARE SO NICE, AND YET, SO CHEAP. so cheeeeap. 8 bucks for a handbag that looks like something out of laguna beach. reminds me of istanbul. And 10 for the one that looks like it came from Coach. i should really curb my spending. BUT ITS SO NICE OK.
i saw you. unconsciously, i saw my hand slowly raised and just as i was about to wave at you, you casually walked past. im just like you, i know you know. I see the way you hesitate. and i just feel like giving you a kick in the ass with Mango pumps.
night.
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i need to go shopping. After browsing through different websites of the various fashion outlets i can almost hear them calling out to me. I NEED TO SHOP. i need more than what i already have.
now, i really feel like speaking in malay for good. carve your name into my arm, instead of stressed i lie here charmed. oral was alright. I cant fail, thats for sure. Im just SO glad that its over. Im just looknig forward to my prelims. And i shouldve completed my homework 3 hours ago. i promise i'll work extra hard starting now. my solemn promise to my mother.
yelsie. ok goodnight.
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my morning started off with me yelling at my mom to make me my breakfast for school while i ate my medicine and put on my shoes as the minute hand on the clock threatens to hit 25 in a matter of seconds. I hate being late for school. And im sorry my mom has to be involved in my morning rushes. I arrived in school just as the first [second?] bell went off and i had to cut across and walk around the Student Lounge which is of no access to anyone right now, which i think, is ridiculous since its supposed to be for the students. Anyways, my first sightings of Mdm Fong are never good. I'll get anxious cuz i know that anytime now, she's going to ask me for my MC for last friday and seeing as how i dont have onneee, i'll just have to steer her attention away. I mean, everytime she looks at me. which is.. not often. HOKAYHHHHH... riiiiight.
Anyways, APEX was just so boring. Seriously. It's not that i dont appreciate chinese instruments and chinese pieces, its just that, it gets boring after a while. I mean, having seen the CO up on stage more than anyone else has. i think.
PE was alright. It's just made me realise just how much i want to be involved in sports. But then, when i think of it, i wouldnt want to be spending 4 days a week training for up to 5 hours at a time. It would definitely put an end to my social life. If i had one that is. eh you never know. i was telling my mom of my intention to join DragonBoat :D and she just stared blankly at my face and for a moment there i thought it was because it is one of those traditional chinese things.. ok actually i dont know why she looked at me like that. BUT. I told her how i'd join only to lose weight and when i've finally achieved the moreorlessthanperfect figure i'd leave :D BRILLIANT IDEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAa.
And im not as nervous as i thought i'd be, for tomorrow's Oral. I mean, i know the words, if you gave me a topic i'd be able to think up some points, but its hard for me to articulate my thoughts - in malay. Especially when im only given less than a minute. When i hear others speak out their points, i understand what they're saying, i understand the words and stuff but when it comes down to me speaking im just.. my mind's just jammed. looking for the right words just becomes a struggle. But i hope i dont mess up tomorrow. I mean, i'll probably do away with tripping on one or two of the words in the passage and i'll still walk away with a pretty decent mark that'll hopefully bring up my overall grade. Well, maybe.
so i had lunch at Mcdonalds with Erica and the guys. they left after lunch cuz they had Oral. So it was just erica and i. We took out our physics tys and just started completing the assignments given to us. and then we started talking. and it felt SO good to finally have someone to confide in about certain issues. and, yeah. I mean i wouldve talked to Daniel since i said we should tell each other more things but since i havent been seeing him online i just... didnt bother. Im just more cynical and skeptical than what i hoped to be. and if that didnt make sense so will the next line. LOLOLOLOLOLOLO. oh, god.
If i tried explaining i'd only confuse myself. Spaghetti beckons me. The consumption of unhealthy fast food today wasnt on my agenda. blah blah blee blee bloo bloo. I cant wait to go shopping on Sooonndeh.
you know, everything seems so easy. I just didnt put in enough effort. I should be studying for chem now... like, neow man.
night.
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to me. love is when he still comes back to you no matter what the distance. definitely not 'feeling the pain of the other person more than him even when he is stable and you cry for him ... ' which doesnt make sense. love is pain. NO PAIN NO LOVE. IF I SAID NO LOVE NO PAIN, ALSO GOOD. because they have two different meanings. These people over at friendster simply have too much time on their hands. Where do they come up with this nonsense 'love is..' bulletins anyhow.
ok randomness peepoles. and i hope you sensed that i was being indifferent towards you.
learning journey thing today was fun. Had my fill of Roti Kirai. so much so i asked my mom to whip up [cheh whip up] the batter so i could make some for myself. and maybe my brother. Since she'd already cooked curry. ANYWAYSSSSSSSSZZZZZZZZZZZZSSXSDXSXZXXA.. today was relatively quieter than usual. and i might be heading to peninsula this sunday to redeem myself. I feel like such a bad friend. It's about time i did something about this gnawing feeling.
i feel as though i havent got any money to spend on myself. And maybe i should drop by PS. and straighten my hair.. or something. Oh, saosin. Why does your voice stretch as far as it does.
I need cheek implants. Or, rather, i need cheekbone implants. my cheeks are as saggy as... ok nemind. There's too little time for randomness because the sun is setting on the banks of Venice's rivers. I would like to visit Venice one of these days. YEARS. CENTURIES.
your words are trite. I just cannot figure out Thursday's rhythm. I cant catch the beat. I cant stand to eat rotten meat. When you have smelly feet. What do i do when my pipe has a leak? Take a pad and stuff it god damn it! put a socckkeeneeeeet.
just that corner of your mouth where i can see the white of your smile. i cant believe baybeats is just a few days away... ooooooo the excitement is not killing me. i dont know what i'll do, i wont know what to say. My medicine is really working.
im such a hopeless romantic in a really unromantic way. i want to post my letter
WAIT OH YES WAIT A MINUTE MR POST MAN.. WAYAYAYAYAYAYT.
nobody seems to wanna go to Bangkok with me at the end of the year. they seem more interested in going to KL in the morning and returning to Singapore by night rather than staying over.
GOODBYE.
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the mistake i made was eating the pills before i've had breakfast and now i'll have to bear with the pains of gastric [or indigestion] for the whole night. I've never known the difference between those two ailments [please enlighten me] i was never happier to be home.
i didnt attend tuition tonight due to some supernatural reasons [ooo mysterious..] so i'll be going over to her sister's house on saturday afternoon. The afternoon where i'd planned to go shopping. I dont know what i'll get Nick. Probably something that'll be of use to him, some sort.
And something for Vanessa. I hope she doesnt expect too much from me. And i hope that what i'll be getting her will suffice. And Tasha, oohhhhh Tasha. i like getting people a whole lot of little things. Like earrings + shades + chocolate lip gloss [EH HARD TO FIND KNOW] + notebooks [like so kawaii nehx] + underwear... ok you get the idea. And maybe not. Being vague is what i am to you. THE ANSWER TO THAT QUESTION IS THE QUESTION TO THE ANSWER.
any kashtyens? [questions in short tongue]
today, the walk to school was nothing more than a rush against time. Of course i came late in the end. The side of my butt was killing me. The injected area is so damn fkin sore it's hard for me to lie on my left side. i shouldve taken a picture of my expression. im sure it was classic. SUPERB. at that time i didnt care how i looked like cuz he's piercing a needle in my ass for simon's sake. and my mom was lifting my shirt up for what reason im not sure.
and ive been avoiding mdm fong since i didnt have an MC for my absence last friday. And she called my mom and asked her this and that and she said "you know ah.. her english tee-chuh say-AH she like to uh spendss taiimm at the Staaaahbaks" and then i asked myself. WHEN I HAVE I EVER TOLD MR KOH THAT I FREQUENT STARBUCKS? and even if i did it wouldnt be everyday. nor every month in fact. Then it occured to me, i'd written that in one of the blog entries.. you know, the one with the "what you do with your friends blah blah" topic. And i thought that the things i penned there will be kept confidential. Apparently i was wrong. It's just another plot to get into our heads to really see what we're like when we're not in school. It's really a manipulative way of getting information from students. Of course i could be wrong, but why else would he be telling Fong? and that rhymed. AND DO I LOOK LIKE THE TYPE WHO'LL DITCH SCHOOL JUST TO GO TO STARBUCKS WHILE EVERYONE ELSE IS IN SCHOOL. nonsense.
somehow prom night doesnt seem so promising with the SCs around.
i was going to type porn night *SNICKERSSSSSSSS*
ok enough. will write more soon, I BEST BE GONE! GODSPEEDMYPRECIOUUUSSSSSS
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in a mere 10 minutes in the doctor's room i was told to
- lose weight
- wear long sleeved clothings
- take off my pants
- come back every monday
i was injected in the butt. and i could feel the needle piercing through my skin, the liquid suffusing my buttcheek.
and ok bye
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thoroughly exhausted. and why the hell is everything in blogger written out in chinese.
i kept thinking about what my mom said the other day, just now. About how K [initials] had a future. a bright one at that. And, then.. i just started thinking.. of how sinful it would be if we did hook up. and it would be my mom's dream come true. cuz after all, he does have a future. and, he is pretty ok. We're practically related. Even though we're not. But i still feel as though he's my cousin, or.. a brother. ok enough. but it's been a few years since we last had our real conversation and, i dont know why i keep looking forward to tuition when i know. I KNOW.. that all im doing is digressing from the real issue, does that make sense? Anyway, righhhhtttt.. i wont talk about him for fear of being exposed -GASP- that'll be so disastrous seeing as how close our families are. and i forgot what i was about to say next.
went swimming today. didnt get a real good work out cuz my two young cousins were with me. and i had to watch over them. and my tan looks so odd. And i hated the way my butt itched from the numbness. And how the indian security guard came up to me and told me off.. just.like.that. And of course i wouldnt stand for it, i told him off too. It wasnt fair that my brother couldnt cannonball off the sides while the other children could. My ass. and this little girl came up to me in the jacuzzi and asked me "are you filipino?" .. i just wanted to scream no. Cuz thats not the first time someone's asked me that. So i just said no, hoping she'd go away cuz the sight of the snot hanging from her nostrils was beginning to disgust me. She wiped it away with the back of her hand and asked me, "then?" i said, "i'm malay" and she said "oh. you're so fair for a malay" and there i was wondering what she meant by that. what are singapore's children turning into?
and then shortly after that she came up to me again and asked me "how old are you?" i said "im sixteen." and she said, "hah? sixteen then still use that?" pointing to my handfloats. Actually they're my cousins but i slid them up my arm for the fun of it. And i liked how i could float without actually having to use my hands. And i just said "no. they're my cousins'. im just keeping them safe under my armpits" and then she.. stared at me with a blank expression. and i just continued floating. ALL I DID TODAY WAS FLOAT. and my workout turned out to be my desperate search to find the goggles. which lasted only about 5 minutes. maybe less. this will never do.
i want to get a dark brown suede blazer. or a cream one. which would go nicely with faded jeans. and i need to go shopping for huge earrings again. the kind with lozenge beads. And im supposed to go look for cloth. Or chiffon cloth.. for my hari raya outfit. And i really dont see the point in doing so since i'll be spending most of my hari raya in the school hall, sitting for the O levels. im kinda glad that its nearing. and also fearful of the outcome. and fret not! I AM STILL NOT PREPARED. not surprisingly.
cause you know i change myself to impress whoever happens to be next to me. but i'm sick of trying so hard. waste all your time with me, i know i'm a mess right now. dont give up, believe i'd wait it out for you.
its been 21 months. i best be going good night
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".. both totally delirious as though inebriated with no clue as to where our hands were trailing to. The room being filled with nothing but our incessant giggles and the thick scent of vanilla. You looked into my eyes, with your elbow to the bed and your hand to the side of your head and you kissed me like you meant it. The sheets smelling of you, of me, of post mad passion; yet a rendevous we never spoke of ever again. with you, i get weak. Like how everyone should be - when they have their heart in the right hands. You can walk all over it and put it through any form of torment ever thought possible.. but please dont forget to occasionally put it to your lips. As I stood at the foot of the bed and gazed down at the wonder that is the fifteen year old that's caused such a stir in my life, i thought - i need you so much closer.."
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i spent my day yelling at everyone and anyone who distracted me from studying. and i realise just how easily influenced i am.
and never in my life would i have imagined myself standing in front of a baby with her legs held up, while i wipe green slime off her ass. HOW COULD A CHILD THAT SMALL PRODUCE SUCH A FOUL-SMELLING LOAD. and i swear she smiled at my reaction when i unfolded/opened her diapers. She's sleeping as though she's taking a load off. I swear i'll never understand what babies do during the day that makes them so drop dead tired at night. I was baby talking to her just now and she was so happy, she held back her laugh and it hurt. I like to pretend that she's a stage actress, using her hands to imitate other peoples moves. dance moves mostly. And she loves it everytime. and she's so precious. so, so precious. I could go on playing with her forever. Even though she gets tired really easily and pretends not to hear you and rolls her eyes everytime you kiss her on her cheeks when she's annoyed but she's so awwessommmee. she's an awesome blossom. with the fro. shizzle muh gizzle
and i so dont feel like going to school tomorrow. probably wont. cuz my mind's made up. and im seriously not getting enough sleep and of course thats my fault. i just need 10 hours, thats all i ask. and im expecting a phone call tonight and, up till this point i've never been as confused as i am now. Some things've stirred up something in me. and its just impossible.
AND I TOOK SO LONG TO GET DRESSED JUST SO I COULD LOOK NICE FOR TUITION. and then he didnt turn up. i was so.. disappointed. I was looking forward to him asking me things like "you sec 4 this year right? o's right? which poly do you want to go to? which course?" and blah blah - for once. He's so brotherly.. and. THIS IS ALL SO WRONG.
but i wasnt referring to him. what am i doing without you?
Remy has this funny way of turning up right when things seem to go downhill. Reminds me of Clark Kent. And is it just me, or is he more mature now? I like the way he says "whaaat nonsense, haiye" and he's always telling me about razif's late night escapades to their house's roof to steal a smoke while their dad's asleep. and how his maid uses his old and tattered boxers as floor mats in the laundry area. "my maid ah just doesnt get it when Razif calls the floor lantai mani. She just says 'enggaaaak' machiam indonesian soap opera actress"
almost everyone i know has relations to the indonesians. And im starting to think in malay now. I was going to say "hubung kait denga...
k nemind. you dont know just how hard it is for me to walk into that mother tongue room. it just reminds me of how much of a disappointment i am.
me: its so hard to write something about you.
him: why? whats so hard? isss ittt because im sooooo seexxxyyy..... and so mysteriously charming.. charmingly mysterriiOOUUSSSSs......wooooooo....
me: ok stop.
its not what you think it is. and its true, you know. I am a terribly jealous person. But not jealous enough to anything stupid. its childish, how we made silly pacts that dont even hold any significance now. and how he'll suddenly turn to me, look into my eyes, and say the words "if you're not the one..." and leaves me guessing till he continues by singing "THEN WHY DO I DREAM OF YOU.. AS MY WAI-EEEFFF..." it hurts, to think about that now.
and if you're wondering what triggered this, it was what he wrote on his diary, blog, whatever you'd call it. It's just stupid to dig up the past and regret the things you didnt do. It's just so stupid and i wish you'd stop. JUST GO TO HELL MANO, GO TO HELL YOU BLOODY SON OF A BABE. AND TAKE THE SMILE THAT BROKE BARRIERS WITH YOU. I WAS SO HAPPY WHEN THEY SHAVED YOUR HEAD BOTAK CUZ THAT COULD MEAN I COULD STRIKE YOU OFF MY LIST OF GUYS WITH THE BETTER HAIR SO MAYBE I COULD JUST SLOWLY FORGET ABOUT YOU. NEVER LET YOUR EYES GAZE UPON OLIVE TANNED BOSOMS AND LET YOUR MIND WANDER TO INDISTINCT MEMORIES THAT WERE KEPT AT THE BACK OF YOUR GOD DAMN FKIN NICE IKEA CLOSET YOU ASSHOLE. CANT YOU SEE WHAT YOU'RE DOING TO ME EVERYTIME YOU SAY THINGS LIKE THAT. you're killing me.
dont you see the irony in this relationship. dont you see that all i want is closure. Only you could bring me closer to closure. i just wanted you to understand that, i wanted you here with me when i baked my first successful batch of cookies, when i passed tests with warna-warna berterbangan, when i realised that i've hit rock bottom. Always.
havent i told you these things before? Doesnt this ring a bell? Why do you persist in keeping this a fictional event when it really did take place and you/me/us/we did happen. what happened a year ago still feels real cuz you never let me have a chance to get over you. we're thinking of the same thing and still we lie to ourselves.
i didnt mean to get emotional when you said that you were happy for once. Its just that, you really showed how much you cared. which wasnt much, i can tell.
goodbye.
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if i had a boyfriend to go out with, i'd be so happy. i dont know why couples keep bickering over trivial matters. it's just a waste of time, and oxygen. and if i had a girlfriend, i would want her to go to baybeats with me. I wouldnt want to ask another girl along. That would be so scandolous. I dont want to get in the middle of things and complicate the situation even further. So. Peace.
OF CAKE. game.
There was this jogger who was walking in the opposite direction, and he smiled at me as if he knew me. And, he had breasts. And instead of looking at him smiling i was looking at the things protruding from his chest. And now, every weird looking guy i see, i say that he looks like german bitch.
Starbucks was good today but it was a major money guzzler. And im having such a headache. Remind me to stay away from caffeine from now on. And for the first time since school re-opened, i didnt have recess. I mean, i didnt have a proper meal and both Vanessa and i were famished by the time English EPP had started. And we kept naming the different foods we liked. And it only made it worse. My body was shivering out of hunger and my legs could barely support the weight of my body [ok thats a joke in a way, laugh] so i just rushed all the way home. AND THEN I REALISED THAAAAAAAAT, my mom had cooked Dhal. Wah, syiok. i had in my plate a heap of rice with gravy poured all over and a lump of potato, one chicken drumstick [small], 2 sambal prawns and 2 PAPADOM [however you spell it la k] and i relished the spread that my mom's prepared and.. oh god. I was in 7th Heaven.
and then i got dressed to meet vanessa and daniel. anony and Bob.
and i really hope vanessa stops with the teasing and rumours before it gets bad. I hope you're reading this, anon [sounds like anuur, your best friend] and you know what im talking about k.
and i will wait. even though i said i wouldnt. but i probably wont wait long. i just get this feeling that all efforts will be in vain. im writing a letter to mr.america. i left my heart innn...
SAN FRANCISCO. game. i loved that game.
and i would like to work at Starbucks after the Os. and i should probably be studying for geography now and watching man hunt at the same time so... ok.
bye. I SHOULDNT EVEN BE SAYING BYE OK. nitwits.
selamat tinggal.
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first day of school was good. It was.. well, shorter than usual. Suprisingly. And i've made a new set of rules for myself that is. And, im trying my best to abide by those rules.. because if i didnt my mom would start talking to me, in that awful tone of hers. The one that reminds me of the brady bunch mom. OK nemind.
And for the first time, last night, i actually laughed at one of the jokes/role plays on Who's line is it anyway. Ok come to think of it thats sortuv sad. And i usually laugh at things like daniel secretly stuffing Poky sticks into his mouth while the teacher isnt looking. And other things la. I dont know. Vanessa keeps making me look. Vanessa the girl i need to bring along the next time i go for a haircut. ATTRACT BEAUTY SALON *sprinkles glitter all over* KEPRIIINNNGGG.
dont you just love Parking Lot Pimp. I dont know what made me hum the song Blow during lessons just now. Heh, bored la. I dont know where my mind was while the lessons were on. I was just so, tired. And i could feel the life being sucked out of me while desperately trying to keep awake during Physics. You know, it didnt occur to me that if i'd ever wanted to be an architect, physics was to be involved in my daily calculations and what not. oh.. god.
once im done with this i'll probably be heading to my room. Tidy it up a bit. Sweep up the strands of hair on the floor. and actually get some work done. and study a bit of geography. and a bit of redecorating. before hitting the shits and flatting out. i should just force myself to sleep by 10 and that'll spare me so much time in trying to keep awake the next day.
i was telling vanessa, "if you knew me, you'd know that i'm very bad" and im starting to believe that that's true. Let's admit, im just too impatient to wait around for others and im too quick to judge. And, i've probably just inherited too much of my dad's genes. And i might have been a little too hard on Vanessa today. What, with the taunting and the constant nonchalant remarks.
i need my 12 hours of sleep to make up for my 4 hours. i was just so tired today. Too irritable. too cranky. and it didnt help that the journey home had to be cursed with bad weather. Hot weather.
SMS
him:where. wah skali he posted here wah i hantam him man! *rubs fist in palm* *cracks knuckles/neck/toes/wrists/elbows/hips/back/knees/ankles/buttocks/eyes/ears* i'll be waiting.
me:eh, dont action macho ok
him:eh sorry sikit ah. I DONT NEED TO ACTION OK! I PRACTICALLY HAVE MACHOISM OOZING OUT OF MY EARS!
me: no dear, thats just crap oozing out from all the bullshit thats gone up to your head.
him: ouch. good one babe.
i've lost my touch. good day lovely eyes.
+++++
so it's just a few hours till school starts and i dont think i've got everything ready yet. I dont know of anyone who's looking forward to school.
im burning like a bridge for your body. Brand New & Bloc Party, next two.
im craving for stir fried beef kway teow now. it would go nicely with a cup of teh tarik or two. im seeking desperately for a place that serves good teh peng besides Broadway. There is no way we [who's we?] could go there without stirring up a few unwanted emotions in vanessa. Maybe i should stop calling her vanessa. I should call her something else. i should give her a dickname.
speaking of which, i suddenly remembered kim and her new hairstyle. which leads me to recall our shopping spree the other day. Wednesday, i think. So here's what happened..
Met daniel and Vanessa [ness?] at White Sand's Delifrance and had breakfast. I love tuna but too much of it stuffed into a croissant just makes a mess. and its the worst way to waste tuna.
i miss chips and tuna dips day.
anyways, after that we headed to Swenses for the worst milk shakes in the history of fast food. I couldve sworn it tasted good the previous time i tried it. And daniel made the waitress change his order so many times it was annoying. We just sat there waiting for 2 o crock to come so we could meet kim at Singapore Expo. We almost left without paying. And maybe we should have. As we were about to leave i was approached by the waitress, again. And i was just uninterested. Flattered, but uninterested. And i was going to tell him last night but he just didnt seem at all interested. So i dropped it.
Shopping was good. Kim and circled the bra section a few times before picking our stuff while Vanessa [Van?] and Daniel went to the other sections. I had a good time laughing along with Kim. We got gold clutches each. and i got pants that might seem kind of loose now and two bras that fit perfectly [amazingly] didnt spend over 50 bucks as expected.
Took the bus to Katong next. We WERE expecting to play pool but the fucktard wouldnt let us in cuz vanessa [Dewi?] and daniel werent 16 yet. And she gave me that smirk and said "sorry thats our rules -nods-" and just said "sorry you no business" under my breath while giving her the eye. THE EEYYYYEEE. it's ridiculous. Kim, daniel and i got hungry and Vanessa [neneh?] was supposed to be home for dinner. She made her way home [sorry] while the three of us had our dinner at Sarpino [i forgot] pizzeria somewhere near Katong Shopping Mall. It was pretty good. $23.80 for the combo meal and we got garlic bread + bbq chicken + a regular pizza + a bottle of coke. We were the only ones there, and it felt good. I only realised that the pizza we ordered had no veggies in it only after we ate. And i really couldnt stuff anymore food into my face when i reached my last piece. and everything was oily HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. but not funny but funny.
Took 12 back to tampines with daniel while Kim met her lover, Khai. Its so weird to refer to him as kim's lover, but its true. hahahaha. AND KIM LOOKS GREAT WITH HER NEW HAIRSTYLE. and the bus ride home couldnt be anymore awkward than it was. Daniel is so funny.
and so was my phone conversation with Vanessa [my nest ah] last night. I laughed so hard, it went silent. Vanessa and her "hah? wh-wh-what?" in between laughters. and then she had to cut our conversation short. wahlau anti climax man. but i hope she has fun today at the gig. its so nonsense but it'll be good for her HAHAHA.
and her hair. i cant wait to see her hair. my hairstyle's still the same. I probably wont change till the end of O's. All i know is, i need to lose some flab before July cuz July's a big month. i just hope i wont disappoint myself again. And live to regret it. Everything will go smoothly.
boy, you have no idea how good looking y'are.
and maybe.. just maybe, if all goes well.. something will happen soon. so mysterious.. *insertXfilesthemesonghere*
go die [good day] loves.
+++++
my cousins Sarah and Aisyah just left my house with their mother. And before they left they came into the study room to look for their brother, Mikhail, just so they could kiss him goodbye and my brothers were appalled by this foreign gesture. Of course its customary for people in England to do likewise whenever they say hello and what not. And them being raised in England it's not easy for them to let go of such traditions. And so the two lovelies kissed my cheeks before they left and i gave them a peck on each of their cheeks and i was wondering.. WHY DONT MY FRIENDS AND I DO THAT? maybe we should. HAHA i mean, it'll be nice. I felt loved when Sarah kissed me and then hugged me tight and said "Goodbye kakak Farah, i'll see you tomorrow ok?"
GLEAMS
And i wonder why the westerners kiss three times. Right, Left and Right again. alright so its shopping time tomorrow. maybe i should ask kim and erica along. i havent seen those two for quite a long time. last time i saw kim was during the campfire. OH WAIT. i saw them the next day. or.. did i. I just really miss them so much.
goodnight bitches. its time for man hunt.
+++++
im sitting in front of the computer, trying to figure out what i was about to blog about before i turned to see Julia sleeping next to me in her buai* [if you know the english name for this please tag] stirring in her sleep. My instincts tell me that it's time to give her the bottle but i see her looking at me from the corner of her half opened eye. Sometimes i cannot believe that she's my sister. I feel physically attached to her but emotionally, im disassociated. Perhaps i havent bonded with her as much as i should [hell, how bonded can we be] But i like the way she coos to my snapping my fingers and singing. And the way she punches the air with her fist when she knows we're about to lift her off the bed. And how she kicks with her multiple layered fat thigs. And how the hair on her arms seem to grow into a pattern.
I was awoken by the pleas of my 10 year old brother, begging me to take julia off his hands while he tends to his Pokemon Emerald Version. I straightened out my bed before placing her beside me and falling asleep to her rhytmetic breathing. She smells like the hospital [i like] she smells clean even though she hasnt had her bath. Or has she. I look down to see the bulge, that is her diaper, making it look as if God had changed his mind about her gender overnight. I love watching her chest expand and collapse. I never realised just how calm she is when she's asleep. Perhaps its the hand that's propped up against her to keep her from rolling over that adds a little added comfort to her sleep. Perhaps, it's just the company.
It took me this long to really notice her. And now her presence seems concrete now. Oh and by the way, she turns 2 months today. And it took us an eternity to figure out that today was the 22nd.
Mango's sale commences tomorrow. And, so does Metro Warehouse Sale. I'm probably, heading to both. Because, well for one thing, i need new bras. Oprah was a real eye-opener for me. Im starting to like watching Oprah. Anyway, im sure i'll get pretty good ones for cheaper at the Warehouse Sale. I thank Erica for telling me that it was actually on the 23rd instead of the 20th. And mango, cuz im looking to find myself a good pair of butt-hugging jeans as my mom would put it. and perhaps a top or two. or those earrings i saw. or that wallet. I wont spend over 60 bucks i hope.
im gonna go search for my missing cordless phone. and perhaps take a bath. i need to put on bra. good day.
+++++
My Greatest Wish(es) before i die/hit30/40/50
- see my mom visit middle eastern countries before she passes [which isnt anytime soon ok]
- hear Julia utter those words that i've longed to hear "I.. LOVE..YOU" plus the actions
- die rich.
- name my children Adam and Natasha.
- find out what song that is on Jamie's myspace account.
- get a brazillian wax [i've been dreaming of that]
- to get another piercing
- master 2 songs on the guitar [wah this one ah.. tsk]
- get lipo for my cheeks
- go under the knife to reduce the size of my boooos.
- tell mano just how much of a difference he's made in my life.
- visit spain. And see wild roses grow on picket fences.
- save a dying animal.
- drop 2 dress sizes.
- make my brothers confess their love for me
- get a boyfriend
- take a dip in the dead sea
- climb that limestone hill in.. turkey. or egypt. TURKEY
- have a major wardrobe change
- tell all my friends how much i love them. and show them how much i love them
i could go on. i thought of more just now. And i probably wont mean some of the things i say here. like getting a boyfriend and going for a brazillian. ok the brazillian maybe but i dont like the idea of someone touching my cheebye. ok i just thought of a joke but... ok not funny.
gootnight. oh and my dad wont be around from the 15th of july to the 17th. and guess what falls on those daaaayyssssssssssssssss.................
kbye.
+++++
yesterday night was a total bitchfest with me going "HEHEHEHEHE" over the receiver and sarpedek going "OHMYGUUUDD YOU'RE SPOT ON MAN!!!" And we were holding back the snickering till our throats hurt. "My monday hurts like a banana in a remote island off the shores of my kitchen" and all we ever talked about was other people. And how pissed they made us feel with their pretentious conversations and attention-seeking-ness. And their accent, thick with hypocracy. I'll miss these conversations. And his banshee laughter. And his lasermouth.
Kopi o teh tarik.
listening to August In Bethany makes this scene black and white and mellow de mello. and i feel so very ah lian cuz im listening to kylie minogue's cant get you out of my head.
him: and then the minah turned around and said "EHH AMIR LAMA TAK NAMPAK SEH!"
me: amir?
him: EXACTLY. i just said. "oh salah orang." with such bakuu-ness it would turn her ON like air con man!!
me: amir?
him: yeah then she just said "oh sorry! i thought you were my friend" but i know lah. she wanted my number. i know im just so hard to resist
me: amir?
him: she just walked off and gave me the look. The "iwantyousobadcometogeylanglorongduatonightbabeeehh" look. FOOH SO HOT SIA. but too bad her face like warzone. so many potholes. i will lose one of my limbs man. they'll be SUCKED IN LIKE A VACUUM.
me: amir
him: HAVE YOU BEEN LISTENING TO ME AT ALL? amir amir amir.
bye. HAHA
+++++
EEEHHH WHAT DO YOU KNOWW.. im downloading malay songs off Limewire myyyaaaan. Am i cool or am i cool huh. Uh-huh, uh-huh. I never knew just now nice malay songs could be. And my brothers and i were doing the bhangra to Tamila Boys, Goyang Goyang. LMFAO i swear its the nicest song to dance to. and i've downloaded loads more. BEP is dope. And mano will have a surprise when he checks his mail and finds that ive just sent him his FAVOURITE siti nurhaliza song. weird, but true.
im starting to love Foo Fighters once again. another CD to add to my list of CDs to get when i have the money. no, IF i have the money.
i wanted to go to the zoo. I bought a bag to bring to the zoo. And my mom says she bought it for 3 bucks from Geylang. and i paid 15. DO YOU KNOW HOW THAT MAKES ME FEEL? trust my mom to look for the best bargains. but i like my bag, i think.
oh limewire thou art the best. lost prophetsssss.. *rolls on the floor*
MENGAPA MEREKA SELALU BERTANYAAAAAAAAA... my aunt will love me for this.
i WILL go to the singapore metro warehouse sale this monday. I WILL be like those singaporeans who queue up at ungodly hours just to be first in line which doesnt even make a difference anyways.
my cousin and my brother are so cute. goodnight
+++++
"you cant expect the whole world to love you if you're not ready to love the whole world. "
my 45 minute conversation with mr america. peace.
+++++
the way wolfgang sweeps denise off her feet's just so romantic. i knew he was the one for her. cuz he's so intellectual and howard's just all play. and he doesnt open his mouth when he speaks. and i can just go on. but i'll just stop it here for now. i want to meet someone who'll sweep me off my feet as wolfgang did denise. but im so unromantic. and im so unmushy. i'll probably start laughing at any guys who starts his sentence with the words "your eyes.. they remind me of.."
i saw mark zee today. he's tall. and really as good looking as rachel lee puts it. and another good looking fella whizzed past while i was hiding behind vanessa. i was trying to avoid getting noticed by.. [ok this is really long] my mom's friend's [who's also my tutor] sister and children. i didnt want it to be all "eh farah! where are you going *in malay* oh how's the baby.. how's your mother... are you taking your olevels this year?.. where do you want to go JC or poly?" and god knows what. im seriously not a peoples/small talk person.
the whole outing was, as vanessa would put it, 'empty'. and yeah i had to admit that it was. apart from a little friendly banter here and there and my constant critique-ing of others.. it was.. nyeh. all i bought was a straw bag. i was expecting more. at the end of the day, [after tirelesslywalking around orchard] tampines mall will just do, for me that is. i realise that everything that i could possibly want is there [but i could be wrong] and the only thing missing is a forever 21 outlet. i dont know why i keep forcing myself to go anywhere else but tampines mall. ok but i have to admit, other places do sell certain things at more reasonable prices.
throughout the whole outing i felt relieved that i knew that i wouldnt bump into certain people. outside people. i like heeren. anex.. or whatever its called. God, im so OFF. "then lets switch you on" i cant remember who said that. all i know is, i wasnt in the mood to laugh that night.
i want to go to changi to have pasta. and i should stop spending/cabbing so much. the taxi ride home was freaky.
taxi driver: are you malay?
me: uh.. yes.
taxi driver: you sure hanot? you look like chinese leh
me: my mother is half chinese half indian
taxi driver: ohh. then you fada leh? malay hor?
me: ya
taxi driver: must be very smart. you speak engrish [yes he did say that] very well hor?
me: uh.. i guess.
(under my block)
taxi driver: you speak engrish very well hor? *turns around to look at me*
me: uh. yeah.
taxi driver: also very tall hor..
me: not really *fumbles to open the door*
taxi driver: oso very pretty like eulasion hor?
me: no lah. ok bye uncle *slams the door shut and makes way to the nearest lift*
and he stayed under my block for quite some time cuz i looked down from my kitchen window. i think it was sign from God that i should stop cabbing cuz it took me almost an hour to get a cab and when i finally got one i was stuck with a psycho.
anyways, i love the conversations i have with my mom. i like how the way she suddenly starts laughing whenever she remembers a funny encounter in the past and starts telling me. i start laughing even before she tells me. and the way she looks into my brothers eye and says in a firm voice "kamal, do you know what you can or cannot do with a girl?!" and how my brother tries to dodge her stares and change the topic. boys going through puberty. tsk.
ive been having a headache since this afternoon and i know that it could have been the smoke from cigarettes. and the overwhelming smell of incense from a few shops. i just feel like vomitting now. i feel as though i havent had dinner and i think i'll be sick tomorrow which means i'll be excused from any household chores and baby chores.
tsk.
Wolfgang looks like a drug addict but he's so swwwweeeeeeetttttt like geylang serai's chendol. and i dont know if that zoo thing is still on. it looks like it isnt. its times like these i wished my friends didnt belong to cliques cuz then id be able to invite them aaaallllllllllllllllllllllll without having to bear the guilt of not inviting their friends because i also know them but im not that close to them. or.. yeah. AIYA. whatever lo. if all else fails i could always take my brothers.
don: YOU'RE ASKING MY IF I WANT TO GO TO THE ZOO?
me: yeah...
don: YOU? ARE ASKING ME? IF I? WANT TO GO? TO THE ZOO?
me: yes. why are you talking like that
don: YOU? ASK ME? GO ZOO?
me: YES!!
don: THE ZOO?
me: YES OHMYGOD STOP BEING SO ANNOYING
don: singapore zoological gardens?!?!
me: yesssss
don: oh. cheh. i thought what sia. what zoo.. never say properly.
me: so do you want to go or not?
don: hmmm.. tell me who's going first.
me: id ont know maybe my classmates and a few schoolmates
don: AND BE SURROUNDED BY ALL THE NGEE ANN PEOPLE AND THEN I STAND THERE LIKE CACTUS
me: ok so that means no
don: hmmm maybe. quite fun eh... ok i'll tell you tomorrow.
HE WASTED 15 MINUTES OF MY TIME OK. AND THIS IS THE SHORTER VERSION OF THE CONVERSATION AND NOW I DONT FEEL LIKE ASKING HIM ALONG. JUST BECAUSE.
thankyou. God Speed loves.
+++++
so today's girl's day out was rather interesting. got myself a really nice skirt from This Fashion. You wouldnt have guessed where i got it from if i didnt mention, that sort. and it's only 22 bucks so. yeah. its a steal. lucky me the store didnt have the blouse in my size cuz i wouldve bought it without a moment's hesitation. my mom kept insisting that i get it even though it was a bit tight. it looked fine when i stood straight but when it came to bending forwards and stretching out my arms, everything was exposed. ive inherited my mom's huge chest and her tembam feet. but come to think of it, all the women in my family have huge feet. wide, and large. making it look as if we're trying too hard to fit into any kind of shoe.
at the pace we were going, we couldnt complete going round tampines mall even if we were given 24 hours to do so. AND BUM DOESNT SELL JEANS FOR WOMEN ANYMORE? nonsense. "oh bum dont sell jeans for girls ready leh"
so sad. i didnt get any shoes from isetan. i didnt even go to the second storey to get the bag i wanted. i wanted to see if mango had a sale which im sure, they do. its just that we spent so much time fussing over little things we didnt have time for the rest. and my cousins keep sniffing my breasts and hugging me, and leaving a trail of saliva after cheek kiss. i even resorted to playing hide and seek at metro just to kill my desire to scream at them. i touched that jelly bra thing. and it felt like chicken fat. i cant believe women put those things on their breasts.
eBase didnt have anything nice. neither did giordano. the rest of the shops on Century Square Level 2 did have a few nice tops, like the cropped sweater and and kaftans. some tunics were nice but im still getting myself the Zara tunic. if its still there. you know with the luck i have it probably isnt.. so .. woo hoo
julia [hoolia] started getting really cranky towards late noon. sometimes i feel like yelling at her to shut up but patience extinguishes that desire to so everytime i bend forwards to give her a peck on the cheek. she smells so nice. as irritated as i am everytime she does start getting cranky i cant bring myself to do any thoughtless acts that could possibly bring harm to that face of perfection. seriously, you wont be able to understand. i realise, now, how it is to love a child. just hope she wont break my heart once she's grown up.
we went to swensens' before heading to TM. my mom was feeling generous. halfway through the meal my aunt suggested that we switch plates. so id be eating her sandwich and she's be eating my pasta. but by then id already gotten so full i couldnt picture myself stuffing a whole half sandwich down my throat. but she insisted. i managed to eat half of it [at least] when the waitress came asking if she could take the empty plates away. she asked me if she could take mine [with half eaten sandwich, still] and i said ok. but my aunt kept saying "farah you sure you want to throw away the food. throw uh? throw?.. ok throw? you sure? no uh i think you can still finish ah... can ah..." OH MY GOD. in one sentence she's managed to change her mind ten folds. so in the end i managed to stuff the whole thing in my mouth while suppressing the urge to spit it all out onto my plate. its the bacon, i reckon. i dont hate the taste of bacon, i just hate the ones not cooked by me. i cook the best bacon i must admit. i must admit (: i hate other people's bacon.
EH THE ICE CREAM CAKE GOOD AH?! mmaacchiiaaam butter. MELTS IN YOUR MOUTH BUT NOT IN YOUR HAND. talking as if ive never had a taste of it. i love ice cream cake.
i left swensen's with a tummy thats already been sucked in but is still bulging. at the rate we're going.. my mom and i could maybe end up broke. or fatter. or worse - both.
i want to go to orchard one of these days. i wonder what i'll match my skirt with. i know a necklace would definitely piece it all together. im getting those thong sandals from that shop at century square that always runs out of size 8 shoes.
if you know, it'll run out. cuz it always does. then do something about it. not keep people waiting for a whole week. BY THEN SCHOOL WOULDVE STARTED ALREADY SO WHATS THE FRECK-KIN POINT.
white chicks. i aym so.. FRECK-kin pissed.
you know i was suddenly overwhelmed with sadness when i came online just now. i know why, but i choose not to believe. i know it would make vanessa happy. i hope he's having fun. suddenly i feel friend-less in msn.
my aunt is the best person to hang out with. if she hadnt brought the kids along that is. i would absolutely enjoy their company if i didnt have to get so many things by today.
im still not satisfied with the fact that BUM doesnt sell women's jeans. but still, i looked good today.
God Speed loves.
+++++
he just doesnt like me anymore. i shouldnt have gone there to hand him his things. or thing rather. he saw me in my true state. oh fuck this i should just stop talking to him altogether to avoid any further disappointments. he's too cool for school and for his friends. maybe when im cool he'll notice me. whats that song again.. what can you see if you cant see me, was this all it took for you to notice me..
im probably going shopping tomorrow, hopefully. retail therapy. *punches the air with fist*
so cacat. IM JUST SO PISSED AND DOWNRIGHT MISERABLE RIGHT NOW BECAUSE.. because. i lost something i thought i wouldnt. and, im just looking for ways to redeem myself if still possible. im not making any sense.
i look like a smoker now. more like a drug addict. i should wash my make up off before i go to sleep.
and i realise im not as close to a few of my friends as i used to be. cant help but feel that ive not been making any effort to bridge the gap that seems to be widening more and more with each and every passing day. i know i havent. i just feel, so. awkward sometimes. and sometimes to some people im so sick of having to put up a front.. because talking to them just makes me compelled to do so. and i cant help it. and it just puts me off. and i start to wonder. and wonder if this is really going anywhere.
i want to go to the zoo. SERIOUSLY.
and ive farted so much its stinked up the whole computer area. and there's more to come..
and i really do love. night
+++++
Don: what do you want then?
Me: MOOLAH :D
Don: huh. SHUN CHEE PING [<- HAHAHAHAHAHAHA]
Me: THEN?! everyone likes money. who the hell wants a stuffed toy. im already allergic to dust. want me to die zit?
Don: haha. oh. so funny.
HAHAHA igot that off one of my older entries.
im gonna get mymom to bring me out tomorrow. cuz i want to get a shirt and new shoes. and i want to get beads. cuz i promised vanessa id make her a necklace. i was inspired by the one i saw in some website.. or.. some book. ok i just got it off somewhere. and i need to get new bras. and i want to go to meridien hotel? or.. was it marriot. and i want to go to far east to get more belts and, forever 21 to get more earrings. and spotlight to get more stuff for my handcrafts. and i need to get a new pair of jeans, maybe from BUM since its so seasoned and ideal. LEVI's is out of the question. and i want to get myself a pair of new shades.
i cannot wait till the day my hair reaches the small of my back.
goodbye loves.
+++++
after seeing vanessa's situation, i really felt bad for her for ever getting in over her head in things. or him. but there's no one to blame for whats happened, cuz.. shit happens and you cant help it when it does. but i can see that she still likes him.. a lot. and i dont blame her. i just hope she'll feel better after a while. she wont forget him, i know.
and yesterday after thinking through everything, i smsed sarpedek and said "sometimes, when i see everything thats going on around me, im so glad that we're still friends and that you are who you are around me and around everyone else. and maybe a bit neurotic at times.. but im just glad. GLEAMS" and he replied after 0.5896125 seconds "i was just going to ruin the moment by asking if you wanted a favour from me. but, ok thats nice to know. im starting to wonder whats happened thats suddenly made you think that.. but, hell, you're making my butt tingle with awe. RADIATESSS "
HAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA. topi? toupee?
and maybe vanessa will find someone, the right one, in the near future and she'll be happy once again. and maybe this time it will last. and she can finally pin her hopes down on something concrete. but isnt that what everyone's hoping for?
and i think over the years [or months, more like it] ive wisen up a bit. or maybe ive just grown more wary and cautious. which isnt necessarily a good thing. i need to get out more.
i want to get a customized belt cuz its so damn personal. but i'll probably get a bronzed one. or dirty gold. but black seems goooood. but if its expensive im not getting it cuz.. its a fkin belt buckle. im getting myself a tunic thats for sure. i want to go bohemian. i love that word. because... it reminds me of.
(: im so. hungry right now. THANK GOD FOR MILK DUDS. I LOVE MILK DUDS.
if you want to make me happy, cook me a plate of my mom's stir fried kway teow with beef with a glass of coke. and for dessert, make me anything with caramel or toffee. and bring me out for thai food.
SORANDOM.
byebye.
+++++
the trip to stupid broadway kopitiam cost me a total of $7.40. i was more than an hour late. but the teh peng was worth it. too bad the lontong wasnt. i dont know why i was so high then. i couldnt stop laughing at everything that happened. from the shouting of orders by the waiter to the stoned old man who sat there day dreaming.. not once touching his kopi. Vanessa looked weird with her swollen eyes. and daniel.. well. he was just thirsty. 1 milo peng + 2 teh peng. took a taxi to school. and we were late for poa lesson by just 10 minutes. The lesson was boring, as usual. i was just pretending to listen so she wouldnt pick on me. but i still completed the work she gave us nevertheless.
went to erica's house after that. stayed in her room and the three of us just talked. kim, erica and i. it's funny how kim and i made fun of that baywatch CO guy.. whatever his name is. and how i pretended to be the captain of catholic high's basketball team to double D. and how i tried talking intimately to erica.. in chinese. just to piss him off. i laughed so hard, nothing else seemed so funny anymore. erica fed us the food from her party. some pasta and fried food. i swear her birthday cake's the best. it was soooooooooo delicious i wanted seconds. soo.. delicious. and the best part was, it was frozen. so it tasted like ice cream caaaaake.
but pool still shrouds my mind.
he called to ask if ive watched madagascar a while ago. of course i was puzzled at his sudden polite gesture. but i replied with a forcedfully calm, no. and he asked if i wanted to watch it this sunday.. and added at the end "that is.. if you're still not mad at me." and there i was thinking that it was supposed to be the other way around. we just laughed it off. but deep down i know he knows that there's more to this than just a misunderstanding. its funny how we both have the same thing on our minds, and yet we still lie to ourselves.
of course, i said i couldnt watch it with him. i told him that i didnt want to. for all the right reasons.
1) everyone's watched it. and i dont want to be in on the I LIKE TO MOVE IT MOVE IT, YOU LIKE TO.. MOVE IT!! joke. cuz its not funny after hearing your friends repeat it one too many times.
2) i didnt want to burn 7 +++ bucks on something i've more or less watched, or heard of. it kills the fun.
3) i didnt want to face him. i didnt want it to be a happy affair where we're laughing at each others jokes just to be polite.. the false pretense thing. and all that.
im not saying that he's the kind that has a false front, he's usually pretty forward with his feelings and opinions and what not. but in this case, he's just being more reserved than he should be. but i know one day we'll look back and wonder why we were ever as naive as we are today. i can just feel the anger melt away whenever he apologises in malay and how baku it sounds. fuck him. HAHA
bleed the dream reminds me of finch. oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
i need to go and bathe. its too hot for comfort. someday i'll move to somewhere where the weather's ideal and and the scenery picturesque and point and laugh at all the singaporeans who're cooped up in this snow forsaken tahi hidung on the world map of a country. goodbye.
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take this time to find your tongue,
a sorry excuse to stop your lies,
the best 30 seconds of my life,
my angel take your pills,
my angel i sold your ring,
and now you're speechless
and i can't stop laughing
why did i laugh so hard baby?
(you won't be back and i'm still laughing)
i never meant to hurt you (but i did)
and i'm sorry that you cried so hard darling,
(you won't be back)
i'll never hurt you again
i feel so bad now. i think he's really mad. and maybe this time its for good. and if he sees this he'll get even more furious with me. looks like i'll have a week before i make it up to him. i really shouldnt do this, i know. i should go over to his house to talk to him.
he said some really hurtful things though. and i have to admit, based on past experiences, the things that hurt the most are more or less.. true. well, at least i think they are. so now its insomnia + an inbox flooded with apologies and a mindful of regrets. i hate this.
and sometimes i dont even know why i keep doing this to myself. and to him. and to us. all i know is, i feel im at fault after everything. i hate arguing with him, cuz in all truthfulness i always win. or maybe he lets me. but then revenge doesnt seem so sweet anymore. because i see what he's keeping from me through his eyes and.. i cant really explain it. i just know that he wants to say something. and i know what he's going to say.. but he's refraning from letting it out.. and it hurts even more. because he knows that i know. and its really hard to explain... but i know some of you know. what im talking about because he does it with/to so many people. and i guess it just gets worse with me. because i know him.
so it begins :T maybe we should just get married. HAHA just a thought. ok i shouldnt be laughing. i hope sarah'll make him happier than ive ever been able to. because he deserves better.
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today started off drearily, and ended.. almost about the same. i hate curfews. but i wouldnt know where id be without them. my mom doesnt scold me for coming home after ten. in fact, i dont even remember her saying that i should be home by ten. which means.. that i should be sleeping now cuz im exhausted. eks-ZOS-ted. i still havent gone to borders, you know.
sarpedek's just the best.
sarpedek: hello? where are you now?
me: home.
sarpedek: huh?? oh uh.. ok then are you dressed yet?
me: no.
sarpedek: HUH?? HOW COME??? eh start ready know.
me: i know.
sarpedek: then. how come you're talking as if i should know something
me: you should.
sarpedek: and what would that be? what i do sia..
me: we were supposed to meet an hour ago. you said you'd call me half an hour before so i could leave. and then when i called.. your mom said you were still sleeping.
sarpedek: oh. ok.. but im up now!!!! jom!!! lets go!
me: are you joking? im not even wearing a bra.
sarpedek: nemind put on a shirt!! faster im on the bus on the way to the interchange. if you want can take cab, i pay.
me: nonsense. i dont like to come in the middle of things
sarpedek: huh??? THEN? YOU'RE NOT GOING??????? EH DONT LIKE THAT LAH. EH IM SORRY I WOKE UP LATE KK!!!!
me: bbyyeeebyyeeeee...
i love it when he says jom as though he's been saying it from young. so i left him to contemplate on where he should be heading to. pfft.
left around 5 to go to erica's house for her birthday party. i think i looked good today. HAHA surprisingly. given the amount of time i had to get dressed was slightly less than 10 minutes. the taxi driver owes me 20 cents. i felt a little awkward standing there.. without kim around. cuz erica was tending to her all her other guests.. and i was just there.. standing amongst the guys. i had little unspoken conversations with nick. and daniel. HAHA. i feel bad now.
our outing was cut short when the rest wanted to head down to east coast and me and kim had to go home. tasha stayed for a short while. just wished it wouldve been.. longer. i still think this whole thing was really short. alright but there were a few fun moments. little friendly banter here and there.
i shouldnt string him along like this. fondness ties the knot everytime. one day i'll tell him everything he deserves to know. i'll wait long enough for my certainty to fade away, before realising that it cant. that didnt make sense.. so much for putting my thoughts to words. im just not ready for everything right now.
i just couldnt understand why i just wasnt in the mood for anything today. im just so disappointed. so very disappointed. and ive just given up on everything ive ever hoped for.. because i was that disappointed. and its not the first time. i just didnt want to get out of bed today. it wouldve been nice to see him.
so tonight, all i have is a glass of orange juice and love me butch to keep me company while i converse mindlessly to midnight fools. im so out of it. i just want to be hugged, and rocked to sleep. because its so comforting. i want someone to sing to me, like how they would to asthmatics. im going through the worldsagainstmeandimgoingtodiealone phase
pfft.
reconcile, can you please just say it..
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he said: listen to this.
she said: ive listened to it before.
he said: it was written for you. listen to it again. enjoy.
farah now that we're here
can you tell me exactly how i should
have done?
farah drives with here eyes closed
do you ever inflict unwanted
memories?
i know you and i know it won't take
you long to make me smile
farah angelic girl
i'll have you know it's you and me
potentially
farah don't pull the carpet
from under me
indifference is killing me!
am i wry?oh my? fallacy! fallacy in my words!
am i wry?
i know you and i know you're not afraid
to say the least
diamond ring
diamond ring
but you can't find it
cold as the night
+++++
i guess there's only one place to go from here i think the options are clear anyway i'm sure you're tired of waiting for me to figure out where you fit in i guess i'm afraid of what we could because I don't want to sell you short of your dreams i'm sorry for making you wait for me cause
i don't want to hold you down but i don't want to set you free
i don't want to make you run from me
i guess it's hard to believe that i could make myself give up after all this time you and me
trying hard to make sense of our differences pretending we both had everything i guess i believed in our fantasy you only loved the one you wanted me to be i'm sorry for breaking your faith in me i don't want to hold you down
but what if you're more than i could please could you accept apologies i don't want to squander all your time i don't want to mislead you i think we both knew that it was done sorry i had to be the one sometimes i wish it were the other way around
craig's brother.
+++++
DO YOU KNOW WHAT I REALLY REALLY WANT NOW? caramel frap... venti. i cant wait to get the paper over and done with. so i could go out and shop. and spend the remainder of the day at borders, reading.. and listening. im getting paid today. MWAHAHAAHAHAhahwloawhncsairhana. hu hu.
i know i wont score a distinction. its obvious. i havent studied at all this weekend. ive been taking care of julia and using that as an excuse to pull myself away from the books.. or papers. but ive got the first two pages of the peribahasa in my head. and today's the first time i actually got around to bathing julia. because.. i couldnt wait for my aunt to come. and also because, all that shit in her diapers was making her uncomfortable. and she shat a lot. i swear it must have weighed a lot, that soiled diaper. no wonder it was hanging from her hips. and, so she's sleeping now. my cousin came over to see if i needed help, all the way from woodlands. but i didnt need any since all julia does is sleep all day. so they're both outside.. sleeping. its the afterrain atmosphere.
and i had this dream that a blurred black figure was sitting on top of julia's head. actually, i dreamt that i was outside, sleeping on the couch. and i knew that there was someone [or something] taking care of julia. when i woke up julia was gone. so i walked over to my mom's room and thats when i saw that thing. it was a woman.. i think. and when i ran to julia the thing jumped over the bed and hid below the bed. and when i looked at julia, her face was bruised and slimy. i thought the thing was doing a 69 on julia.. and thats not funny. i woke up to find julia sleeping like a log beside me [cuz i was sleeping in my mom's room] and i get anxious everytime i see my mom's door closed especially when i know julia's inside. so, i make it a point not to leave her out of my sight at all times. because.. i fear the supernatural. and if my dad ever found out i said that he'd lecture me on how important it is to believe in god instead of the supernatural.. which i understand totally, but you cant help it can you. especially when the dream felt so real. but who cares what my dad says. i dont even talk to him now. which is fine, because, we've nevre had anything to talk about in the first place.
its ironic how the apple of his eye grew up and turned against him.
my mom feels bad, for leaving julia with me, knowing that i have an o level paper on monday. and she's trying to make up for it by asking my aunts and cousins to help me in any way they can. i have caring aunts. they call once in a while to check up on us [the baby, most probably] fearing that i wont be able to cope. but they never knew just how much of a heavy sleeper julia is. and i dont blame my mom for having to leave us with the baby. because, she has errands to run and orders to carry out. she talked to me about The Beach last night while i was dozing off. i love that movie. simply because, the island's nothing like anything ive ever seen. i want to go to phuket. foo-ket. haha.. laugh people, laugh.
and i had a dream about nick ho, which was rather disturbing. but i cant really remember any of it right now.
you know, maybe there is a reason why cikgu gave us that topic for letter writing. i should start reading all the fine examples of good compositions and letters written by past and current students. and my mom made me read a book of examples of karangans and surats <- oh goood. and it helped i think.
my mom's wish is for me to score a 12 for my O levels. i dont see how that could possibly happen seeing as how my marks for english and maths are deproving. and they're supposed to be two of my best subjects. its really a put off, you know? seeing your marks go down like that. i mean for maths, yes it can be avoided. but i have no clue as to how i'll be able to push up my english by at least 2 grades. at least. i hate writing summaries cuz they expect so much. and its all jibberish especially if you're required to re-write the sentences in your own words when its already so simplified and there doesnt seem to be any other way of re writing it. i need to work on my summarising skills.
zubaidah's just full of nonsense. "needs to work on her interpersonal skills with high authority"
NONSENSE
+++++
You put yourself on the line, risked it all and it has paid off richly. Faris has accepted your invitation to be Friendsters! Oh the times you'll have - - chatting, joining groups together, checking out your joint horoscope, reading each other's blogs, and more. Don't forget to leave a testimonial for Faris
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AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. of course he would. why wouldnt he. dumbass.
my mom: eh the mouse can work ah?
me: ya i fixed it what. you told me to.
my mom: i thought couldnt work cuz no ball-ball...
me: you think you very funny?
my mom: of course.
she's being sarcastic. she reminds me of me. HAHA.
and i told mano about uzaire. and he just tried to make jokes about his name... but i dont care. its just nice saying his name outloud. oozayr. i know this mere infatuation will only last a while. but i'll let it dwell. because.. ive liked him since i was 10. HEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHE
i feel like a schoolgirl. haha i am, as a matter of fact.
maybe im just faking this. im pushing it arent i. vanessa wants to see me in love. which i highly doubt'll be any time soon. i really want to go to borders. i want to sit and read. and i want to look for CDs.
its about time i learnt the guitar. goodbye.
+++++
to donovunk : nggyeeelow (: i just wanted to say thank you for doing what you did today. you're so bold, and so thoughtful. and you're always willing to accompany me when im online. just, thank you. no amount of words could do you justice. you're just.. the best-est friend a girl could ever have. maybe, you're gay :D i just feel like giving you a really big hug but belle would just fling me to the other side of the room with her glare. NGGAHAHAHA. she's so lucky to have a boyfriend who can hang a rubber band on his eyelashes.
to mano: thank you for telling me to look up. cuz i wouldnt have seen the sky if you didnt.
to tasha: Happy Birthday! sorry i told wati that your birthday was today and im sorry she told cikgu who then told the whole class to sing happy birthday in malay which made you embarrassed/annoyed. and sorry today didnt turn out really well cuz you had detention and you got hit by the volleyball not once not twice but THREE TIMES. and maybe plus one. and im sorry i didnt call you at 2.16am. and maybe that surprise doesnt seem like it'll be happening any time soon. i wanted to make this special for you.
to vanessa: ploblem? ploblem? your what? computer.. got ploblem? grass? the.. grass? is broken?
do you want to know why im in such a good mood today. i looked up and saw the sky. it was such a beautiful day today (:
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oh god, 4 slices of pizza seems too much now. my neck's aching and my head's throbbing. it seems as though there's a vein.. from my neck to the top of my head thats tightening, which explains why i cant keep my head up. id have to tilt it slightly to the side so the pain'll go away. i hate pizzas. i'll drink 9 glasses of plain water everydaaaaaaaaaaaay. and i'll eat bread with tuna flakes in oil even though it smells. oh fuck, just make it go away.
today's my brother's birthday. he's 14 now. and he got a whole pizza just now. we were supposed to go out to have dinner at our favourite restaurant but it turns out everyone's eaten dinner already and julia was making so much noise. so we scrapped the idea. i feel so bad. i wanted to get him something but i keep forgetting that his birthday was today. it's nice to wake up to see wrapped parcel at your table.. something like that. i was just sorry he didnt have anything to wake up to except school. maybe i'll get him mcr's CD, since he likes them so much. or.. brand new... WITH MY MOTHER'S MONEY *rubs hands in glee*
my mom wants to use the computer. what a pain in my thunder butt. goodbye.
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